I remember...

My kiddos just went up to bed a few minutes ago. We had a fantastic day. We went to Costco, to the swimming pool and out to a neighborhood block party.

Before the kids go up to bed for the story with daddy they always come and give momma big hugs and kisses. Sometimes we give several kisses. We have a bench in front of the stairs that I can stand on to keep giving them kisses as they go up the stairs. They love this. We do this every night. Tonight I gave them kisses mixed with my tears.

Tonight as I hugged them good night I started to remember that two years ago right about bedtime we were headed to the hospital once again on a very similar beautiful June evening. I had been there for many of these same visits but this one was different. I remembered the camera for this one.

I remember thinking on the way home that this time the doctors weren't going to let me come back home again to be on bed rest and that they would probably keep me for the duration of my pregnancy.

Shortly after midnight Sam chose their birthday by breaking his bag of waters. I remember calling my mom and telling her that I was going to a birthday party. I remember feeling so scared because I knew this was still way too early and I didn't know if my babies would live. I remember feeling sad that my pregnancy was over and that my body had not been able to do more for my sweet babies. But I remember most feeling so very excited to meet these three little babies.

I remember almost everything from the delivery. I remember the anesthesiologist petting my hair. I remember how nervous Douglas looked as he held my hand. I remember our doctor joking with us about getting the whole hospital out of bed at 1 AM on a Thursday morning. I remember my legs going numb and thinking how quickly the room had filled with people. I remember the doctor saying "Okay, here we go!". I remember Sam crying and catching a quick glimpse of him. I remember seeing Leona but I don't remember hearing her screaming...because she wasn't. I remember hearing Gabe cry and I remember thinking how small he looked.

I don't remember much after that. I think the doctors knocked me out for a few hours. I can't even imagine what Douglas went through during that time period as he worried about me and our new family.

I remember waking up and feeling confused. I remember the nurses trying to get me to move my legs. I remember finally wiggling my toes and them deciding that was probably as good as they were going to get since I had just been given large doses of magnesium. I remember getting sick.

I remember being wheeled down to meet my babies and having to stop several times to throw up. I remember meeting Samuel Jonas, trying to peer into his open air bed from my wheelchair and feeling like he was too high for me to really see him. I remember getting sick, again. I remember meeting Leona Ruth and thinking how she too seemed so far away. I remember getting sick, again.

I remember being told that I couldn't meet Gabe yet because they were working on his IV line. I remember being sad but also relieved because I was so exhausted (and did I mention sick). I remember thinking that the babies must be doing pretty good since they weren't in the little isollette houses I remembered seeing during our NICU tour. I remember later foolishly realizing that they had to graduate to those beds and they were in these beds so the doctors could get to them more quickly. I remember the doctors talking but everything they were saying sounded like it was in French. I couldn't wrap my brain around anything they were trying to tell me.

I remember going back to my room and trying to sleep for a while. I remember calling my mom to tell her that her grandchildren had been born. I honestly don't remember a single thing I said. I remember calling my Grandma, Leona Nielson. I remember that she was still in bed when I called her. I remember telling her that I had been to a birthday party. I remember telling her the boys names and then I remember telling her my daughter's name, Leona Ruth, her namesake. I remember the catch in my voice and the tears on my cheeks as I told her. I remember thinking this was one of the proudest moments of my life, to show my love, respect and appreciation to this wonderful woman by naming my child after her. I remember her saying "But I don't even like my name!!!" (I think she likes it a little bit more now that she has a namesake!). I remember tears.

I don't remember much of that day after that. Between the magnesium, my blood pressure issues and the pain medication the day is a blur. I know that quite a few people came to visit me. And I think I fell asleep through seeing some of them. I remember feeling confused a lot.

Later I remember going back to meet Gabriel Douglas. I remember thinking that he was so small I remember thinking "What if I never get to take him home?". I remember wanting to hold my babies but being so scared of hurting them. I remember being tired and hurting both physically from my medications and my incision. Mentally feeling like a failure that my babies were here so early and that I didn't feel very connected to them yet.

I remember trying to walk and fainting. I remember finally getting to hold Samuel on Saturday and Gabriel on Sunday. I remember thinking that when most people are going home from the hospital I am finally getting to hold my babies. I remember asking why I couldn't hold Leona and I remember them saying how sick she was.

I remember the doctors talking to us about how something was wrong with her heart and that they had given her medication and that it hadn't worked. I remember them saying they were going to do more tests, give the medicine another try and I remember them mentioning surgery. Finally they said the second round of medication had worked but that she still was very unstable. I remember them saying she wasn't responding well to the pain medication. I remember being so scared for her.

I remember Doug's first Father's Day. The NICU nurses made little cards for him on brown and blue paper with ribbon. I remember wishing I had a card but not knowing how to go get one since I still couldn't walk. I remember calling my dad on Sunday morning for Father's Day and saying "Hi Daddy. Happy Father's Day. Will you send Mom?" as I burst into tears. My mom arrived on Tuesday morning. I remember thinking that I didn't know I would need my mom so much.

I remember being released late Monday night and feeling so empty as I left the hospital with only my husband. I remember watching other moms leaving the hospital over the next 7 weeks and shedding many tears as they took their little ones home. I remember feeling like I had had babies but that it felt like I had put them up for adoption since I only was allowed to visit them.

I remember finally holding Leona Ruth finally. I remember that she seemed so pretty and thinking that she looked like a girl. I remember right before my mom left to go back to South Dakota telling her that instead of me holding her that day that she could hold her (she could only physically handle being held once a day). I remember how happy that made her.

I remember feeling amazing love and pride as my babies worked so hard for such little people. I remember the amazing closeness of kangaroo care. I remember holding them each for hours. Those are my happiest memories of the NICU. I've often said that my biggest regret over the last two years is that I didn't get to hold my babies enough.

I remember thinking the night Sam, Leona and Gabe entered the world that my life would never be the same. Now two years later...I wouldn't want to remember a world without them.